December 2007

Raising Kids Who Care

By Judith Gille

When Marc Gold was 8 years old, his father, Albert Gold, took him into the bathroom and stood him in front of a mirror.

“When you are 78 years old, I want you to look in the mirror again and ask yourself this question: ‘Did I live a life that made this a better world or not?’ If the answer is yes, I am proud of you, and if not, I am disappointed.”

“But how am I going to make this a better world?” asked Marc.

“That’s your job. You figure it out,” his father replied.

After a career teaching school in California, Marc Gold eventually started the 100 Friends Project, a micro-lending venture that helps improve the lives of the poorest people in India, Afghanistan, Iraq, Cambodia, Tibet, Nepal and elsewhere through small donations. Today, when he looks in the mirror he can truly say he has made this a better world.

Though some parents might disagree with his strategy, the fundamental challenge
behind Albert Gold’s question is still relevant: How can parents help their children yearn to make the world a better place?

As my 13-year-old heads to the mall to squander another Saturday afternoon ogling Coach® handbags and expensive brand-name jeans I find myself thinking of ways to pose Albert Gold’s question to her. My daughter’s preferences, like most girls her age, reflect an increasingly self-absorbed and materialistic society. In a culture where television, the Internet and teen magazines hold up spoiled divas and athletes as role models, do we have any hope of raising kids with social consciences?

The answer is yes. But according to many early childhood educators there are several things to keep in mind when teaching compassion and community values to children.

1) Start Early

According to a survey by the Independent Sector, a forum for charities and foundations, Americans who become involved in charitable giving at a young age are twice as likely to continue into adulthood. In addition, those who begin volunteering as youth give more than those who don’t.

Vinnie Duffy, director of Learning Tree Montessori Preschool on Seattle’s Capitol Hill, believes that 3- to 5-year-olds need to start by learning respect for themselves and for others.

“Emotionally healthy children who are getting their needs met are more likely to care about the needs of others,” Duffy says. He suggests beginning by giving children appropriate levels of responsibility, chores they can do successfully by themselves. Then venture out as a family to experience other cultures, both at home or abroad. Expanding your child’s horizons will help him accept people different from himself. Also reading books with social messages or retelling old tales in new ways that match your values can help kids learn compassion.

2) Be a Role Model

Seattle author Robert Fulghum, best known for his book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, quipped to parents on a recent radio show: “Don’t worry that your children never listen to you, worry that they are always watching you.”

Researchers have found that children begin internalizing the way their parents or care providers act from a surprisingly early age. Since parental behavior provides a child with his or her first learning opportunities, the best way to teach your children to care about the world is to show them that you do.

Children in families where one or both parents are active volunteers are more likely to embrace the idea of volunteerism. Volunteerism also can help instill a sense of hope in children about the future.

3) Parent with Intention

Today’s busy parents often don’t stop to consider what their behavior is teaching their children. Consider carefully the values you want to share with your children and how best to teach them. Try to share your ideas about values in age appropriate conversations.

Kids in elementary school are obsessed with the concept of fairness, according to Joan O’Connor, kindergarten teacher at TOPS, a Seattle K-8 alternative school.

“I teach that fair is everyone getting what they need, not everyone getting the same,” O’Connor says. Though this may seem like a radical idea to a 5-year-old, it’s an important concept in developing a child’s social conscience, she says.

4) Choose Developmentally Appropriate Activities

Dr. Dawn Lehman, founder of the nonprofit youth volunteer organization Kids Korps, USA, believes young children are more perceptive than adults give them credit for. “Children understand that giving is a good thing,” Lehman contends. “Volunteering builds character and teaches responsibility.” She believes that even 5-year-olds can have a positive impact.

Volunteering at food banks is a good place to start with small children. Involvement in earth stewardship and recycling projects are also rewarding for the younger set. Buying gifts or toys to put in charity boxes during the holidays, rather than just sending checks, is a concrete way for children to see charity in action.

While younger children are often eager to volunteer, sometimes teenagers can be a different story.

According to Seattle public school counselor Jennifer Murray, parents will be more effective in getting their teens to volunteer if their kids have a say in the decision.

“On the surface, early teens seem self-absorbed, but when given the opportunity to help others they often jump right in,” Murray says.

She suggests having your teen think about his/her interests and find ways to share their knowledge. It helps if your family has a history of volunteering already. Your best intentions are liable to backfire if you make it a rule that a teen has to volunteer.

5) Make the Most of Teachable Moments

Discuss philanthropy with your kids. Gather information about various organizations you’re interested in helping, and review it with them. The upcoming holidays are a great time to choose a charity together that you all want to volunteer for or donate to.

After your stint at volunteering, talk with your kids about the experience. Most of all, try to make volunteering fun and creative for your family, not just an obligation.

And never give up. A few nights ago, my shop-till-you-drop daughter came to me with her own question. “This year, instead of my friends bringing presents for my birthday, could they just bring checks for a charity?” she asked. Hope springs eternal.

Judith Gille is a Seattle writer and mother with a long history of volunteering.

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Seattle's Child, a publication of the Washington Post Company
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