September 2006

Handling Separation Anxiety

By Karen Irwin

As the school year begins or little ones start daycare, children – and parents – deal with the anxiety that accompanies separation. It’s part of a natural process that begins with the moment of birth or adoption.

Ask parents if they recall the first time they held their children and, without a doubt, you will get an affirmative nod and a smile. Whether it occurred after a home birth, in a hospital delivery room or in a far-away orphanage, parents vividly remember the moment a lifelong bond began.

This bond between parent and child not only nurtures the emotional well-being of an infant, but research indicates the process of early bonding is critical for healthy brain development.

At about 6 months of age, babies who have bonded well with primary caregivers start to experience separation or stranger anxiety. As babies grow, they recognize a parent’s absence, but they don’t have a sense of when or if she is coming back. Since babies as young as 6 months are capable of “representational thinking” – that is they can picture something in their minds even though it is not visible – they know what it is like to miss someone.

Displaying signs of distress when a parent leaves is not only normal for infants and toddlers, it is healthy. This in itself is not a cause for major concern. Remember that the parent/child bond is strong. In fact, parents can expect separation anxiety to wax and wane throughout the early years.

Facing New School Fears

But even if a young child has learned to cope with separation from parents, beginning a school year can trigger anxiety all over again. This is especially true if it is the first year of formal schooling or if the child is changing to a new school.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, it is not uncommon for children between the ages of 5 and 7 to experience a heightened sense of separation anxiety. School transitions are full of unknowns: the child may be asking himself, “Will I be able to do what is asked of me?” “Will my teacher be nice?” “Will I have friends?”

In time, all these questions will be answered. Indeed, children will usually find that they can do the work that is set before them, that their teacher is not a creature from the black lagoon, and that they have made at least one or two friends. However, until these fears have been proven unfounded, the first few weeks of school can be troubling.

Hemma Marreddy, a teacher at Montessori in Motion in University Place, says that not only does the child experience grief in those first few days of school, but the parents do as well. In fact, she says shedding a few tears at the start of school is an annual event. “Every year the little ones will press their noses against the windows, and moms will tearfully retreat to their cars.”

For parents, the beginning of school emphasizes a life marker, a threshold that will not be passed again. When your little guy looks at you with his back-to-school haircut, wearing a backpack that seems way too big for his 5-year-old shoulders, and he tearfully says, “Mom, please don’t go,” it takes nerves of steel to kiss him on the forehead and walk away.

But Marreddy says that is exactly what parents should do. Prolonged tearful goodbyes are not good for parent or child. “We encourage parents to stay a few minutes until the child gets occupied and then they can leave.”

Marreddy says parents are relinquishing control to someone who is outside their family, and it can be especially difficult if they have been the child’s only primary caregivers. It is why she insists on having a strong relationship with parents as well as her students. “Parents have to trust the teacher,” she says. “Parents will learn from me all the wonderful things their children are capable of, and they will return all those positives back to their children.”

She says that it’s important for parents and kids to know that it is OK for them to feel sad about being apart, but she also believes that children as young as 3 can understand that school is important. “I want parents to tell children that school is a part of their lives and to talk about all the exciting things they will learn how to do.” She adds, “Always focus on the positive.”

Marreddy wants parents to be attentive to what their child is doing. When a child shows a piece of art work or learns to write her name, Marreddy recommends the parent say to the child, “Aren’t you proud of yourself?” She says the results are twofold: the child discovers that school delivers rewards, and she gains a sense of accomplishment.

Smoothing the Transition

But while these things might help relieve some of the sadness that can accompany separation anxiety, parents can still expect one or two weeks of transition time.
When children feel anxious about separation they will often cry or whine. Sometimes they will latch on to an arm or leg and will not be peeled off. Parents say they are surprised when their normally talkative child suddenly becomes silent and shy. These behaviors are ways that anxiety manifests itself in children.

In order to minimize anxiety, many schools invite kids to visit the classroom before school starts and to meet the teacher. Some schools recommend that a child bring in a picture of his or her family to keep in a cubby. Making the environment as comfortable as possible helps put the child at ease.

Mary Lee, a social worker at Mary Bridge Children’s Hospital in Tacoma, says it is very important to validate a child’s fears and anxieties. She says saying things like. “Buck up, you’re a big boy” or “Don’t cry” are not helpful. “These feelings are very real and very distressful,” she cautions. Lee recommends parents mirror back what their child is saying to them so that that he feels understood. Saying things like, “Yes, it is scary” and “It makes your tummy hurt, huh?” helps.

Simply asking your child, “What do you think will happen when I am gone?” will get to the root fears immediately. Knowing his fears and then reassuring him can make the transition go faster.

Lee also says that children like to know what mom or dad will be doing while they are in school. “Saying to them, ‘I will be doing my work while you are doing yours,’ helps complete a bigger picture.”

Sometimes a chart can help kids to understand their day even if they can’t tell time. “Outline the day with pictures. Show the child her school time, snack time, playtime and the time for mom or dad to come. Children can memorize these events and tick them off in their minds”

According to Lee, consistency is key: “Tell your child that today will be like yesterday.” Lee emphasizes that it is especially important to honor time commitments and be consistent with who is picking the child up. “With a structured routine it should only take one or two weeks to fall into a pattern.”

Helping an Anxious Child Feel Independent

If after a few weeks, your child still exhibits signs of anxiety, Lee recommends parents talk to their child’s teacher and share their concern. The teacher may be able to connect parents to a school resource, such as a guidance counselor, or recommend the parents discuss the matter with their pediatrician. At any time, if there is a significant concern about your child’s mental or emotional health, a check-up with your pediatrician is in order.

Lee says to seek professional help if your child feels unsafe in a room by herself or shows excessive fear about something happening to a parent or an exaggerated and unrealistic fear about something happening to her. A qualified mental health professional will often use play therapy with toys, art materials or puppets to help kids express their feelings.

Keep in mind that every child adapts differently. Parents should not feel guilty or pressured to calm their child down just because they are in a public space. Adapting to change is an ongoing process. Parents need to know that their children will eventually gain the skills needed for them to succeed on their own, Lee adds.
Helping them to become as independent as possible at home is a sure-fire way to build their confidence. Completing self-care tasks at home will show them that they will be capable of feeding themselves, toileting or sleeping on their own even if they are away from you. Doing things all by themselves with your encouragement will help them on their way to independence.

Because separation anxiety is so common, there are many stories in children’s literature where children overcome these fears. Children love to be read to and identify with heroes in a book. They also like to hear parents tell them about events that happened in their own lives when they had to overcome fears and do things for themselves. Parents just need to make sure the stories have a good ending.

Experts reassure parents that eventually all children will take pride in their independence, barely standing still long enough to get that kiss on the forehead and a wave goodbye. After all, it is a goal of the human spirit to become self-reliant. Children do learn to separate from their parents, and as the years go by, it becomes the parents’ task to learn how to manage separation from them.

Karen Irwin is a University Place writer and mother of four. Her youngest son is starting all day kindergarten this month, and she is a little sad. “I might have to fight the urge to chase the yellow school bus down the street as it takes him away,” she says.

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