February 2006
Your Parenting Coach
By Gloria DeGaetano
With this issue, Seattle’s Child and Puget Sound Parent launch the column, “Your Parenting Coach” by Gloria DeGaetano, founder and CEO of the Bellevue-based Parent Coaching Institute and nationally acclaimed parent educator. She is the author of Parenting Well in a Media Age (Personhood Press, 2004) and the host of Parent Appreciation Radio heard Saturdays at 11 a.m. on 1150AM, KKNW- Seattle. Send your questions to gloria@thepci.com or to nweditor@seattleschild.com or nweditor@pugetsoundparent.com.
Interpreting Love Styles
My daughter, age 7, doesn’t want to cuddle as much when I read to her. It’s disturbing me because this never happened with my older girl who is now 9 and still loves to be close. Any thoughts on what I could do? -- Betty/Seattle
This can be disconcerting as it’s probably natural for you to be physically expressive. And your older daughter seems to thrive with cuddles and contact. At age 7, your younger daughter may be asserting her emerging identity, as kids that age often do. But another factor to take into consideration is that she may have a different “love style” from her sister’s.
Love styles are based on personality differences and impact relationships on many levels. For example, when we were dating, my husband offered me a beautifully wrapped package. While opening it, I anticipated a big box of chocolates or something equally luxurious. As I got past the gift-wrap, I realized I was holding a four-slice toaster on my lap! He explained: “Since you’re a single mother with two preschoolers and you all get up at 5 a.m., I thought you could use this. I noticed you only had a two-slice toaster – not easy to make breakfast with that.”
Hmm…what could I say? I have since found out that he shows love best by doing those mundane things I could easily take for granted – folding my clothes, warming up my car on cold days, unloading the dishwasher when least expected – and these now mean more than chocolates. Spouses have a way of jolting us into accepting another person’s reality of what love looks like!
Our children’s needs do the same. At the very basic level we have concrete and random propensities. Concrete people, like my husband, tend to show love with result-oriented, practical outcomes. Random people, on the other hand, may be more demonstrative physically and show love through surprises and playfulness.
We tend to accept love most easily in the way we show it the best. Your daughter’s 7-year-old brain is developing in new ways and forming personality traits as well. If she is leaning in the concrete direction, she can feel loved with your asking questions about her day, helping her with homework or initiating a new project together. Interactions also give many opportunities for you to express your love verbally, which may mean more to her now than physical contact. Another thought is to engage her in planning a family outing, writing up dinner menus and setting the table with placements she created – any activity where she can feel appreciated for her contribution.
Observe your daughter at different times of the day. Perhaps there is a way to sneak in a hug or two while attending to her emerging stylistic preference? Karen Bierdeman, PCI Certified Parent Coachä who lives in Olympia, is also the mother of two daughters. Her 7-year-old is “high-touch in the mornings.” Karen noticed that “when she starts out first thing with snuggles from Mom, then her day goes more smoothly.”
Attending to our children’s love styles helps us express our love more productively and increases the moments our children feel loved. What could be more important?
©Gloria DeGaetano, 2006
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